The Break-up

It's official. We are through, me and the gf.

After tuition, I went to her house to look her up. It was my bloody fault for the preceding fiasco and I am not afraid to swallow my pride and look her up (she wished I had done that earlier. On hindsight, yes. I went her house Thursday but she wouldnt see me so I left after an hour). A 2-hr argument later, we realised how different we are and in what we are looking for. She wants devotion. I want space when I need it.

It just proves again I am not the long-term relationship material. For too long, I have been deluding myself that I can make this work. Fact is I can't give all of myself to her. She wants that much and knowing how I want to do so many things besides, I cannot.

She talked of guys who gave up everything to be with the women they love. She talked of this couple that she admired, where the husband worked 2 jobs so the wife can retire early. I just thought that was really stupid that she holds that as an ideal of what sacrifice is all about. She talked of what her ideal man would be...one who throw aside things and up with her. Will I be able to do that? I didnt promise and she didnt like that.

Amongst other things we argued about was her overseas trips, which I felt extravagant because she did promise to go with me on a trip. With the trips to Taiwan, Krabi, Bangkok and Bali, that didnt sound like she wanted to keep to her word - where would she find the money to go with me?? Indeed she was broke eventually, she said. So who's going to pay for our trip? Me?

She also refused to understand why I behaved so irrationally, avoiding contact with anyone. I struggled to understand why too and although I did theorise that it has to do with me being overwhelmed by all that thinking about me and her, my career, she didnt want to follow. I was sorry but it's pointless when someone cannot relate to that.

I must admit I have been a lousy lover...I just took and never gave back. At least not enough in her eyes. I have been too bo-chup, simply put. I figured everything will take care of itself and rationalised my behaviours with thoughts that she's old enough to care for herself, I dont want to be seen as a wuss etc. There are times when I could have showed up at her house with care and concern when she had bronchitis, checked in with her at night, called her but I never did those. I did initially. Then I slackened. It's my fault.

And as she walked away, I asked her to stop. I asked if I can kiss her. She said yes. I kissed her tenderly. We hugged. Somehow we felt distant already. I asked if we can end it on a happy note. She agreed so we are meeting on Valentine's. I am not sure if that's the right move but for sure V-day in the future will never the same. It would certainly evoke memories of this. We kissed some more in the lift up to her place...

Then I waved goodbye...