The past

The past few weeks have been torturous. My half-expectation that I will be doing something else already, in less than 2months was a self-imposed fallacy. After that many applications, all I have gotten was an interview from Ministry of Manpower (which wouldn't be that bad a place to work in since it's near town), one from an events company (which comes with a negative rating from the gf's friend) and an invitation to be a mobile remisier (which would be hardly an ideal way to be in the financial industry cos most people don't think highly of home-based work). Add to all these the loss of my precious phone and Chinese New Year shopping and it's clear why the bank account is less than fat.

Most of the bonus is withered away already so I decided to get tutoring assignments again. Gotta look for more. Whatever pays the bills will have to do. One thing you learn about life is knowing when to be flexible. I don't appreciate having half of my fees deducted for each new assignment (it means I have to work for free the first few lessons, ya?) but I have to. Beggars really cannot be choosers.

Friday was spent watching Brokeback Mountain at Great World City with her. She didn't like how I didn't tell her I was going to meet friends at Zouk first so I signed in Mich first and decided to cut short the stay at Zouk. I apologised too - I know I should have told her and I am not afraid to say sorry when I am wrong. An expertly-produced movie in a great cinema (huge screen + adequately sized seats) then helped to arrest her decreasing interest level somemore.

Saturday was an equally laid-back one - just chilling out over at my place then off to catch another Heath Ledger (his star is definitely rising with Brokeback and Casanova) production before somemore staying over at my place. Then she asked about this blog and wants to read it. I said no and a pissed gf is what I got. Goddamit. Why didnt I defuse it with some humour when I always do that? I must be too dam tired. Or just temporarily shit-headed.

What good does it do for her to read you? Most of what happens to me, I already share with her. Most of the past relationships with my other women, she wouldn't want to know. She says she gets jealous when I talk about other women, isn't it? They came into my life before she did and that's all she needs to know. Girls may insist they want to know everything about their men but the truth is "not". Talking about other women doesn't raise interest. It doesn't help our relationship. Just like how I don't dig hearing about what my women and other men before me, had fun together. Jealousy can be potentially destructive. In small does, it cultivates - cultivates interest because now you are more motivated to keep him/her to yourself. In some people, it destroys - destroys in that it eats away at you and leads your messed up head to imagine things that are not. It stifles trust-building. And trust is essential in any relationship.

I know how to use jealousy to create interest but having her read you (essentially a receptacle for my loosely-structured thoughts) is too much of a bloody risk. I can't risk that because I want to keep her. So it's still "no".

It's a big boo-boo on my part, I know. But let those who do not have any skeletons in the closet cast the first stone.

I am still waiting....